Me to girl child holding one of the many unworking cell phones in our house: "Whatcha' doin'?"
Girl Child: " Calling some one who cares."
Me: "All Right, remind me to talk to mommy about what we say in front of you"
Girl Child: "Ok"

Planning for my demise.

Me: Girl Child it is time to take a shower.
Girl Child: No, and I am a princess so you can't tell em what to do.
Me: Well if you are the princess than I am the King and you still have to do what I tell you.
Boy Child: Rea, you need to find a prince so you can get married and get rid of dad.
Me: Gee thanks!
Boy Child: No problem.

Me: "Boy Child it's early can you please stop yelling."
Boy Child: " Daddy go drink some coffee"

What's that smell?

Boy child to girl child: EEEWWWWW, how did something so smelly come out of your butt? Did you eat a trash truck?

Boy Child :" I made a new best friend today!"
Me: "Great, what was his name?"
Boy Child: "I don't know he didn't tell me."

Such respect I get.

Me:" I'm going to take a shower"
Girl Child: **sniff, sniff** "You should, you stinky dada"

And it was all Yellow

Boy Child: Dad, I think there is a lemon tree growing in my stomach.
Me: Ah, why?
Boy Child: I'm peeing lemon aide.

Bathing in the toilet

Girl Child: "Mommy, my baby monkey fell in the potty! He is all wet!"
Wife: Why did you drop him in?
Girl Child: "It wasn't me, he did it, he jumped in! He is a bad monkey!"

And yes, before you ask of course there was pee in the toilet.