Me: Misty, you want a hot dog?
Boy Child: You can't give her a hot dog; they may have been related.
Girl Child: (spitting out lunch) WE ARE EATING DOGS????

NINJA DOG!!!!!!

Girl Child: Misty (the dog) is on my side.
Boy Child: Thats fine. I have a Ninja Dog on my team... you just can't see him... he's hiding.

I LOVE MY CHILDREN!

The End...

Boy Child and GFOBC (girl friend of Boy Child) are breaking up and in the discussion they are dividing up stuff! Boy Child: "You can have the family room and the kitchen; I'm taking the Play Room and the living room". This is the most surreal thing I have ever experienced.

Summer Fun!

My kids have decided to play that classic game this summer. It's called lets see how much we can annoy daddy before threatens to beat us.

Girl Friend says...

Boy Child tried to "break up" with his girl friend today because he likes another girl. Response from said girl friend "Shut up, you aren't allowed to break up with me". So now Boy Child wants to know if it is ok to just ask out the other girl since he tried. Oh, need I remind you he is all of 6 years old.

Me: Boy Child, let's go for a hike this morning.
Boy Child: No thanks
Me: Ok, then you are going to clean your room this morning.
Boy Child: So, what time do you want to head to the trails?

And this is how we negotiate in my house.

CODE RED...

Me: What you doing?
Boy Child: Making a color chart.
Me: What do the colors mean?
Boy Child: What kind of mood your in.
Me: Huh?
Boy Child: Yellow means you’re in a good mood, blue means you are annoyed, red means Girl Child and I should probably leave you alone for while.

Boy Child to Girl Child: "Do you want me to tie you up & torture you?"
Girl Child: "No"
Boy Child: "Oh, ok, wanna play cars"

That's MY job?

Boy Child: Dad let's have a better day tomorrow.
Me: Ok, and how do we do that?
Boy Child: How should I know, thats your job

Boy Child: Dad, milk comes from cows right.
Me: Yeap
Boy Child: And ice cream comes from milk.
Me: Yeap
Boy Child: Do ice cream cows live in Alaska to keep them cold?

The Boy Child Project

The Boy Child, is inquisitive. How inquisitive? Well, he has decided that he wants to decorate his room in maps and post cards from around the world. So in an effort to foster his desire to learn the wife and I have acquired world maps, subway maps, treasure maps and Disney maps and framed and hung them in his room.

Maps are easy. We can go to Target, The Learning Store and the local book store for those. It's the post cards that are the problem. And then I had an idea; thanks to the beauty of the Internet we have been able to connect with friends and family all over the world. And well, we were hoping that could look to you, our friends around the world, to possibly send a post card our way that shows off the beauty of where you live. If you, or anyone you know, are willing to help please send us a message and we will forward you our address.

All post cards we receive will be scanned and posted here as part of the Boy Child Project!

Working from HOME...

Boy Child: Dad, why do you stay home all day?
Me: Well, I work from home.
Boy Child looking around the room: Apparently you don't work as a cleaning

Cooties

Old man, at store, pats boy child on head; buy child turns to him and says "please don't touch me you might have cooties".

We need a new pet...

Girl Child Dadda can we get a wooly mammoth?
Boy Child No, thats crazy where would it sleep?

Me: Why do your mother and I have to yell to get you to do any thing? I don't like yelling at you.
Boy Child: Huh, you could have fooled me.

You can't fault his logic...

Wife: What type of Birthday Party do you want to have this year.
Boy Child: Lego
Wife: Ok, just out of curiosity why?
Boy Child: Because when people see the theme they will buy me little lego packs and then I can take all those little packs and return them to get a big pack that I really want.
Wife: Wow, thats not very nice.
Boy Child: They'll get over it.

He may have a valid point...

Boy Child: Dad, where's my lunch
Me: Boy Child, why don't you come make your own sandwich.
Boy Child: But dad, if I could do that why would I need you?

I think we might be doing something wrong. We watched The Fox and the Hound with the kids last night and the boy child was rooting for the hunter.

The English language is dumb...

The Setting: Boy Child and I working on his home work after school.

Me: ... actually that is the word "know".
Boy Child: No, no is spelled "no". I know that word.
Me: Actually it is spelled both ways and has 2 different meanings.
Boy Child: Seriously, how do they expect me to learn English is they keep making up all new rules?
Me: That is a very good question; just wait until we start discussing "to", "too" and "two".
Boy Child: English is dumb.
Me: Which ends in a silent "B".
Boy Child: Wait, what, why?
Me: I have no clue.

Me to girl child holding one of the many unworking cell phones in our house: "Whatcha' doin'?"
Girl Child: " Calling some one who cares."
Me: "All Right, remind me to talk to mommy about what we say in front of you"
Girl Child: "Ok"

Planning for my demise.

Me: Girl Child it is time to take a shower.
Girl Child: No, and I am a princess so you can't tell em what to do.
Me: Well if you are the princess than I am the King and you still have to do what I tell you.
Boy Child: Rea, you need to find a prince so you can get married and get rid of dad.
Me: Gee thanks!
Boy Child: No problem.

Me: "Boy Child it's early can you please stop yelling."
Boy Child: " Daddy go drink some coffee"

What's that smell?

Boy child to girl child: EEEWWWWW, how did something so smelly come out of your butt? Did you eat a trash truck?

Boy Child :" I made a new best friend today!"
Me: "Great, what was his name?"
Boy Child: "I don't know he didn't tell me."

Such respect I get.

Me:" I'm going to take a shower"
Girl Child: **sniff, sniff** "You should, you stinky dada"

And it was all Yellow

Boy Child: Dad, I think there is a lemon tree growing in my stomach.
Me: Ah, why?
Boy Child: I'm peeing lemon aide.

Bathing in the toilet

Girl Child: "Mommy, my baby monkey fell in the potty! He is all wet!"
Wife: Why did you drop him in?
Girl Child: "It wasn't me, he did it, he jumped in! He is a bad monkey!"

And yes, before you ask of course there was pee in the toilet.

It's Nerf or Nothing...

Both proud and scarred of Boy Child; he just shot and killed a fly with a Nerf gun.

What's That Smell?

Boy child " Dad, do you smell that?"
Me "No, what is it?"
Boy Child " I farted"
Wife" Nice, look what you've taught him."

We interrupt this childs blog for a note from dad...

I always knew my kids would grow to hate me I just didn't think it would be when they were 5 and 2.

EWWW... She kissed me.

Boy Child:Dad I think I may be sick
Me: Why?
Boy Child: 'Becca kissed me last night. I think I may have cooties.

Soft is good.

Boy Child: " Daddy, can I wear these under ware they are softer on my junk."

The end of an era

Me: (to no one in particular) Oh, look, Blockbuster is closing.
Boy Child: What's Blockbuster
Me: The video store
Boy Child: Whats a video store.

2 things 1)Now I know why they are going out of business, kids don't even know what video stores are. b) And yet again my kids make me feel old.

How quickly they learn (the morning addition).

Boy Child: I need a cup of coffee.
Me: Excuse me?
Boy Child: I'm grumpy and coffee makes everything better.
Me: This is true.

Did I mention his sister is sassy too?

Me: Girl Child, did you spill the milk over here?
Girl Child: No, it was Bobo.
Me: Really?
Girl Child: Yes (turns to Bobo) Your a bad bear go to time out Bobo.

And this is Bobo.

He, she, wait, what?!?

boy child: dad, I think that girl is really a boy.
me: Yes she is.
boy child: yeah, that's weird.

Becareful what you tell them...

Me: So boy child, I started a blog full for all the funny things you say.
Boy Child: Cool, so I'm like a rock star now! (after a beat) yeah, your gonna put that there aren't you?
Me: Why yes, yes, I am.

Oh, Poop

Boy Child: Dad, when did I have corn?
Me: Why?
Boy Child: There is corn in my poop.
Me: Dude, flush the toilet.

Leaving aside the whole corn digestion... thing; what is it about poop that kids find so fascinating?

A classic Boyism...

Boy Child: Dad, what does yellow feel like?
Me: That is to deep of a question for this time in the morning.
Boy Child: More coffee first?
Me: More coffee first.

Sarcasm

I have always said that the Family Sarcasm evolves with each generation of Gold men. My grandfather was sarcastic, my father was more sarcastic than him and I in turn am more sarcastic than my father. And all was right in the world until 5 years ago when my wife and i were blessed with a bouncing bundle of joy. We shall call him... Boy Child. From birth I knew there was something special about this one; he would roll his eyes when ever anyone made mention of how lucky we were to have a boy instead of a girl. There was a glint in his eye as if he was already saying just wait until I can talk.

Now here we are 5 years later and he is proving to be a sarcasm prodigy. In this space I will share with you some of the amazing pearls that he drops at the most inappropriate time.

Today, we shall start with last nights "complement" to his mother.

Boy Child Says: When I grow up I'm gonna be just like mom. Very responsible and no fun.